Time Heals All Wounds

Well it was 6 years and 1 hour ago that my sister in law called me at H&R Block where I was in school to let me know that my mom had passed on. 6 years. When I allow myself I can still feel that pain. Maybe not so intensley now but it is still there. I imagine it will be there forever. But it's not the pain that I am faced with almost on a daily basis. It is the lonliness. I miss her so very much. She was my best friend. She was the ONE who made me feel special; who made me feel like life really WAS going to work out. When she died she left this horribly big empty place inside of me that I haven't quite figured out how to fill. I am happy for her though. She's up there eating pizza and living the life she should have had on Earth. I mourn for myself and I guess that's selfish. I wanted to share two poems in honor of my Mom.

I smelled Channel #5 today

It reminded me of you

Tears fell from my eyes

As I allowed myself to miss you

Most of the time I don’t indulge

In the luxury of grief

After all, when it’s all said and done

You’re still gone and it brings no relief

I turned the radio up loud

To try and drown my tears

But they just kept flowing freely

Even after all these years

I miss you so much. Life’s so empty

And sometimes I feel all alone

Sometimes I forget that you’re gone

And I go to pick up the phone

To share with you something funny

Or just to tell you about my day

Then I stop. My heart skips a beat

And I remember that you’ve gone away.

               Missing Mom

                                                                             Marta

                                                                             09/08/07

Reunion of sorts

Well...my sister Debbie has finally found her way back up north to my sister Susan's in Baltimore (outskirts 0f) and we are off tomorrow to go and visit. I wish Kent and April were able to come too but they are off to Indiana. I am quite looking forward to seeing my family that I haven't seen in so long. I haven't seen Debbie since Mom's funeral in 2003 and I haven't seen Susan since Krista was a baby (she is now 17). I just hope that Otis fits in ok. Everyone else is so much older than him...anyway I am excited about something for the first time in a long time and it feels nice.

Post note: Amanda had her amnio test yesterday. She will have the results within 2 weeks but they said they had just about ruled out everything.

The Baby

Amanda had her ultra sound B yesterday and the test came back very good. Everything seems normal and the baby seems to be healthy and quite active. She is still going to have the amnio test done for her peace of mind but you could tell by talking to her that she is in a way better frame of mind...which in turn, helps my frame of mind.

The baby is a boy. Tommy is pleased. I just hope the baby looks good in ruffles and lace!  Just kidding. I was so looking forward to playing dress ups. Maybe I need a new doll.  Ginna and Katy would not like that. I kid again. I really am not crazy! 

Thanks all, for the prayers. Keep it up!!

Dazed and Confused

I am sure to get "spiritual advice" from those spiritual people who never sin or think bad things but I am really looking to share with the REAl people in my life. My siblings, my niece Janelle, my nephews wife Bonnie, my sister in law April. All others are welcome but this is mostly addressed to them.

You all know Amanda is pregnant. You may or maynot know that Amanda is an alcoholic. When she got pregnant she assumed she would have an abortion. (I know...I hear the good folk screaming already) because of a few things. 1. She drank excessively before she knew she was pregnant and that worried her for the baby's sake. 2. She is nearly 34 and her significant other is 48. They both have to work just to make ends almost meet. No money for daycare but make too much for "aid". She has been pregnant before and always miscarried and assumed she would with this one too. She was hoping she would before the time to choose abortion or baby came along. She didnt. So she and Tommy chose the abortion route. I do honestly think that it was 75% to keep Tommy happy as he did NOT want to start over. Since she chose the abortion route her drinking really increased. She drank to forget about what she was going to do. As a matter of fact she was drunk when she went to the abortion clinic. They wouldn't do the abortion because she was RH negative and the needed to give her some sort of shot before they could do it and it cost $ 275 and they didn't have it...so she began to think that all signs were pointing to her having this baby. Yesterday she had to go in for cramping and they gave her a test which indicated that something might be wrong with the baby (she is 4 months) and they are sending her in for an emergency sonagram today and then to another test to see if anything is physically or mentally wrong. If there is she has pretty much decided to abort. I was talking to my other daughter about this and she does not believe in abortion for any reason and thinks that if God has blessed you with motherhood then you should be thankful. I know from the Biblical standpoint she is right. She is a Christian. I am a Christian. Amanda knows in her head but not so much in her heart. But...here is my confusion. If the shoe were on my foot and I KNEW that I was going to have a baby with down syndrome or brain problems or no legs etc. I would abort as well. Now I know that I have justified in the past abortions during the first trimester before the central nervous system is formed and it is still considered a fetus and I know that SPIRITUALLY speaking that is still wrong. I know that Jesus said "Before you were created I knew you" (or something like that) and I know that I should feel as strongly as Holly does but I don't.

Does that mean I am not a Christian. Am I the ONLY Christain in the world that feels like this or just the only one honest enough to admit it?

Missing Person

I had a friend bring me home a bumper sticker that said "Some days I just want to be a missing person." It hit the nail right on the head and today that is just how I feel. I am depressed and don't quite know what to do about it. I have taken the required "happy meds" and that didn't work. I have prayed and continue to do so but nothing seems to help. I have not really gone through this before. I have always been able to work my way through it in a couple of days. I really do have faith and trust in my Lord but this depression makes me wonder if I really do. I am not fearful and there is nothing really WRONG in my life. I mean I could use a little more money but who couldn't. I would like to lose weight and feel better but I am sure there really ARE jolly fat people out there. My kids are doing ok. My grandkids are doing ok. The boys have it a little rough but it's been worse. I just don't know what it is. I know that I am TIRED all the time and all I want to do is sleep but I can't even do that. I haven't slept well since Mom got sick. That's when the panic attacks started and the waking up gasping for air and thinking I am going to die. I figured it was smypathy "pains" for Mom's emphasyma. I don't know but this is really making me feel like I am failing as a christian. Christians are supposed to have the mind of Christ. I don't think He gets depressed. I wrote a poem:

Apathetic to most everything. Ask me anything. I don't care. I just want to go to sleep. I can't be bothered there. / Life's not too bad and Life's not too good.It's neither here nor there. I just want to go to sleep. I can't be bothered there. / I lie down and try to send myself to somewhere where I'm not me. I just want to go to sleep and live in my fantasy./ When will this end - this apathy? When will I start to care. For now I just want to go to sleep. I can't be bothered there.

Well that about sums it all up. Pray for me you guys!